Flat Frog

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I’m not leaving until I do.”

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?” Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT’S the girl I want!”

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease instead of one of the others?”

“He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he’ll jump her bones, and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!”

Out Done Again!

A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes.

“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbled to himself.

Just then a stranger walked up beside him and whispered, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man was crazy and his answer would be meaningless, the golfer also felt that maybe this was a good omen. So he said, “Sure!” and sank the putt.

Two holes later our golfer mumbled to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger was at his side again and whispered, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replied, “Okay.” And he made the eagle.

On the final hole the golfer needed another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moved to his side and whispered, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replied, and he made that eagle.

As the golfer was walking to the club house, the stranger walked alongside him and said, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replied, “I’m Father O’Malley

What part of your body goes to Heaven first?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?” Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first. “What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs. “The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs”? Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I’m coming!” If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The nun fainted.

More Funnies

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her dad is reading the paper.
“Where does poo come from?” she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
“Well you know we just ate breakfast?”
“Yes,” answers the girl.
“Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
“And Tigger?”

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart…. Nice children you’ve got there – are they twins?”
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?…….. Do you really think they look alike you dumb-ass?”
“No”, replies the Greeter, “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!”

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it , no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Scenario

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:
Get off the children’s Merry Go Round, you’re pissed!!

This equation should be taught in all maths classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I -T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Newlyweds

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious … I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that.”

“You want dirty words, cutie pie?…

“LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FU*KING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-FU*KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW AND YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”

…And they lived happily ever after.

Concentrate

CONCENTRATE AS YOU READ This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you can’t resist passing it on.

Miss Beatrice

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!”

Paddy

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and Most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ” You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on His face.”Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts Himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, “Shoite, Shoite!”

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can Just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on hisface.

“Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,” he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can Make it to the bed.”

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says “Fock it” and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying A cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”.

Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?”

“Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.”