New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1- Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10- We do! not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say ” Eat me”
12- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.