Don’t assume little old ladies are daft !

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £5 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, do you know there are £5 notes falling out of that bag…”"Damn!”says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for telling me!”

“Well now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?”

“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “My back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I grab it and say: “Right, £5 or off it comes!”

“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay up”.

Hotel Sex

He checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he would get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on the way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl,bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he was in his room and figured, what the heck, he will give her a call.

“Hello?” the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one… No, wait, I should be completely honest with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex! Hot torrid, kinky sex! I want it hard, I want it steamy, and I want it now! I’m talking unlimited sex, the whole night long baby. You name it, we’ll do it! Bring implements. Lots and lots of toys, everything you’ve got in your kinky bag of tricks you little vixen. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Beat me, whip me, tie me up!Anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”

She says, “Sir, for an outside line you need to press 9.”

Casino

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the samedoor I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That’s why they call it “fur”niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better
than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children