Out Done Again!

A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes.

“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbled to himself.

Just then a stranger walked up beside him and whispered, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man was crazy and his answer would be meaningless, the golfer also felt that maybe this was a good omen. So he said, “Sure!” and sank the putt.

Two holes later our golfer mumbled to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger was at his side again and whispered, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replied, “Okay.” And he made the eagle.

On the final hole the golfer needed another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moved to his side and whispered, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replied, and he made that eagle.

As the golfer was walking to the club house, the stranger walked alongside him and said, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replied, “I’m Father O’Malley

What part of your body goes to Heaven first?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?” Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first. “What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs. “The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs”? Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I’m coming!” If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The nun fainted.

More Funnies

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her dad is reading the paper.
“Where does poo come from?” she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
“Well you know we just ate breakfast?”
“Yes,” answers the girl.
“Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
“And Tigger?”

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart…. Nice children you’ve got there – are they twins?”
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?…….. Do you really think they look alike you dumb-ass?”
“No”, replies the Greeter, “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!”

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it , no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”