Miss Beatrice

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!”

Paddy

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and Most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ” You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on His face.”Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts Himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, “Shoite, Shoite!”

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can Just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on hisface.

“Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,” he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can Make it to the bed.”

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says “Fock it” and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying A cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”.

Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?”

“Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

7 kinds of sex

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

The perfect Day

FOR HER
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12:45 Catch sight of husband’s / boyfriend’s ex and notice that she has gained 7kg.
13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror.
19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners / dancers.
22:00 Hot shower (alone).
22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

FOR HIM

06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Blow job.
06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages.
07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast – all cooked by naked buxom wench.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
09:30 Limo to St. Andrew’ s golf club (blow job en-route).
09:45 Play front nine (2 under).
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine (4 under).
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys).
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo.
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude).
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.
17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised.
19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day. England 11:Germany 0.
22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies).
23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
00:15 Night cap blow job.
00:30 In bed alone.
00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T.)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. seriously will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you too are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS ( B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

PS Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same person who sent this S.H.I.T. To you…They have already had enough S.H.I.T.!!!!

A Spanish Teacher

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.” A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves = whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador”), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.