Questions asked by tourists about Canada

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!!! These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q1 I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q2 Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q3 I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water……

Q4 Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q5 It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q6 Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q7 Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . .. . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q8 Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q9 Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q10 Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q11 Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q12 I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q13 Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q14 Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q15 Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q16 I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q17 I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q18 Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Beer Scooter Revealed

The Beer Scooter Revealed

This explains a lot of things.
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought ‘How on earth did I get home?’ As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the “slurring gland” begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out ‘How did I spend so much money?’

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out ‘What the hell happened?’

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person’s REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people’s garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don’t forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Beckham Jokes

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o’clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the bridge.

Posh turns to Becks and says: “David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!”

To which Beckham replies “5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn’t.” so they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh but she refuses it.

I can’t take your money, David,” she says. “The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o’clock news, so I knew he was going to jump.”

“No, babe, fair’s fair” says David. “That money is yours fair and square I was cheating Just as you were. I saw the five o’clock news, too. I just didn’t think he would do it again.”
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The Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Zidane walks in. “Boss,” he says, “there’s a problem. I’m not playing unless I get a cortisone injection.” “Hey,” says Becks. “If he’s having a new car, so am I.”
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David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the Kitchen department of a large department store. “What’s that?” he asks.

“A Thermos flask,” replies the assistant. “What does it do?” asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. “Here, boys, look at this,” Beckham says proudly.

“It’s a Thermos flask.” The lads are impressed. “What does it do?” they ask.

“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, “says David.

“And what have you got in it?” ask the lads.

“Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice,” replies David.
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David Beckham is celebrating: “57 days, 57 days!” he shouts happily.

Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: “Well, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 57 days.” “Is that good?” asks Posh. You bet,” says David. “It says 3 to 5 years on the box.”
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David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell headfirst to the ground. His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending.

Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth’s’ manager came along and unplugged it.
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Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. “What happened?” asked Posh. “Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Posh. The driver replied: “I’m Victoria Beckham’s driver, and I just killed the cow.”

Two Red Indians and an Irishman

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the wood when, suddenly, one of the red men ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave and called “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! into the darkness until he heard a quieter reply of “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the other red man what that was all about. “Was the man crazy or what?” The Indian replied, “No, it is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave they holler “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back it means that there’s a beautiful squaw inside waiting. Just then they turned a corner and spied another cave.

The second Indian ran up to it and hollered inside “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!” and immediately there was a quieter reply of “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!”. He also tore off his clothes and ran inside. The Irishman wandered around the woods for a while by himself until he too found a cave, much bigger than the others. As he looked in amazement at the size of this hole he thought “This is much bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big fine Indian women inside.” So he stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! like the others. He then heard an answering cry of WOOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOO! With a big smile on his face and a gleam in his eyes, he raced into the cavetearing off his clothes as he ran. The next day the newspaper headlines read:

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN