Cup Final

A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No”, he says, “the seat is empty”.

“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?”

He says, “well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been together since we got married”.

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head…

“No. They’re all at the funeral”.

Papal Audience

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested
audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the
Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

“Dopey, my son,” says the Pope, “what can I do for you?” Dopey asks, “Excuse
me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and
gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, “Your Worship, are
there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “Dopey,
there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.” This time, all of the other dwarfs burst
into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey
turns back and says, “Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any
where in the world?”

After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, “I’m sorry my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting…

“Dopey shagged a penguin ! Dopey shagged a penguin !”

Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor. > > So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Sunderland, Welling and Orpington.