Family Problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my step-daughter. That made my step-daughter my step-mother. And my father became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father’s son. But he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father’s wife. I am my step-mother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRAND FATHER!!!!!!!!!!

And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS?

God’s Wish

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said “You want chocolate with that?” and Man said “Yes!” and Woman said “and while you’re at it add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Cake” and said “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food”.

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its £1 double cheeseburger. Then said “You want fries with that?” and Man replied “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said “it is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the National Health Service.

Thought for the day ……….

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them………… If you don’t send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!!!!

Jokes

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman; and, she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open; and, it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.” He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
Embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears!”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? ! Look at these boobs, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears? “
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”

———–

An old guy is sitting on a park bench when a woman notices he is crying, she sits next to him to enquire what is wrong, he says he wants to go home to his wife, the woman asks if his wife is not well, the old man replies.
“No she is very healthy, I am nearly 90 and my wife is an 18 year old attractive blond babe, she looks after me cooking fantastic meals, drives me all over the place, keeps the house spotless, gives me money and makes love to me morning day and night”.
The woman then asks why on earth are you crying, he answers.
“I cant remember where I live”.

———–

A big Texan Biker stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The Biker, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation down here! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this fine delicacy!”
The next morning, the biker returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but what the heck, they’re a helluva lot smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Oh si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Your Bosses’ Expectations

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please”. The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing, the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver’s seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big iron gate and rushes inside towards the door.As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. “What in heaven’s name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!” to which the guy responds: “You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s forgotten his key.”

Moral of the story …… You may continue to exceed onlookers’ expectations but shall always fall short of the bosses’ expectations.

iWork 06

iWork 06 looks like a great piece of software and my limited usage of it to date has not disappointed. The ability to open a powerpoint presentation in Keyword 3 makes life very simple for anyone who wants to take an existing presentation and add different transitions than one would normally expect from a traditional powerpoint presentation. The ability to then save the amended presentation in a variety of formats is great and I particularly like being able to save the file in Quicktime with all transitions – despite the fact that the resulting file size is rather large.

That Pages 2 allows me to open word documents [as well as any old AppleWorks files] will once again save me time and I appreciate the ease of use of pages although I will find myself using InDesign CS2 for much of the page layout work I need to do as part of my job.

New Zealand Joke of the Year [or so I am told]

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says “Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you idiot.”

The man says: “I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.”

What is being British all about?

“Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign”.

iLife 06

I received my copy of iLife 06 earlier this week and have tried the applications briefly. My two problems so far are:
1] The pages created by the new iweb application are far too big and althoug most of the world now has broadband access to the internet why should I use up someone’s monthly bandwidth allowance with a bloated site that I could create in an application such as Dreamweaver and which would only be a fraction of the size.
2] Although you no longer have to import your photo files into iPhoto if you bring in files that have EXIF information that marks them as rotated then copies of those images are created in the modified folder. This is a huge problem for someone like myself who has 30Gb+ of photos on an external drive. I don’t want 2 – 10Gb of data copied into a folder of my PowerBook’s drive just to allow iPhoto to function. Why didn’t Apple take a look at Kavasoft’s Shoebox application that I currently use and will obviously have to continue to use.

The MacBookPro

I’m very tempted to order the new 15″ MacBook Pro due to ship in February but a couple of things have stopped me from ordering online to date:
1] The software I use everyday comes from Microsoft and Adobe [Adobe CS2 & Macromedia Studio]. As yet none of these applications have been re-coded to take advantage of the intel dual-core chip in the new macs that will come on stream in 2006. I would therefore spend my whole day using a powerful laptop that is having to run Rosetta emulation software to allow me to use any of the programs I rely on throughout the day.
2] I would dearly love a 12″ version of the MacBook Pro as it is easy to carry about and at work I can easily hook it up to a 2nd monitor as I do with my existing G4 12″ laptop thus enabling incredible monitor space.

Every day that passes sees my resolve stretched ever further. I want to wait but who knows whether I will be able to?

Canadian Tourism Questions Answered

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!!! These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q1 I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q2 Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q3 I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water……

Q4 Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q5 It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q6 Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q7 Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . .. . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q8 Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q9 Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q10 Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q11 Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q12 I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q13 Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q14 Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q15 Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q16 I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q17 I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q18 Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.