Nine Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying F@!# YOU!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Zoo Keeper

A bloke starts new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First he is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won’t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He asks another lion, “What’s the food like here?”

And the lion says: “Brilliant. Today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.

New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1- Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10- We do! not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say ” Eat me”
12- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

6 Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
”I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “Not this time!”


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
“I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
”My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
”Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
”Don’t move until I tell you,” she said, ” pretend you’re a statue.”
”What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
”Oh it’s a statue,” she replied, ”the Smiths bought one and  I liked it so I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
”Here,” he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
”Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.”
”One Cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
”A nickel,” the barman replied.
”A nickel?” exclaimed the man. ”Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied:”The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.”
”There’s no need to, ” his wife replied.
”No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
”I know,” she replied, “now just rest and let the poison work

George Bush Question Time

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little
PR.After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. “Stanley,”
responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Stanley?”

“I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?”

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans
don’t have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, “OK, where were we?

Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his
name.

“Frank,” he responds. “And what is your question, Frank?”

“Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?”

Don’t assume little old ladies are daft !

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £5 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, do you know there are £5 notes falling out of that bag…”"Damn!”says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for telling me!”

“Well now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?”

“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “My back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I grab it and say: “Right, £5 or off it comes!”

“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay up”.

Hotel Sex

He checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he would get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on the way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl,bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he was in his room and figured, what the heck, he will give her a call.

“Hello?” the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one… No, wait, I should be completely honest with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex! Hot torrid, kinky sex! I want it hard, I want it steamy, and I want it now! I’m talking unlimited sex, the whole night long baby. You name it, we’ll do it! Bring implements. Lots and lots of toys, everything you’ve got in your kinky bag of tricks you little vixen. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Beat me, whip me, tie me up!Anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”

She says, “Sir, for an outside line you need to press 9.”

Casino

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the samedoor I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That’s why they call it “fur”niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better
than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

iTunes 7 & the iTunes Store

Apple’s new iTunes 7 software is up and running on my MacBook Pro and I like the new layout and views that are available. My main problem is with the iTunes Store. When I lived in Canada I was frustrated that I couldn’t buy lots of music that was available from the UK store and now that I’m back and living in the UK my main issue is the inability of anyone other than US residents to purchase TV shows and movies.
We live in a global age. We can communicate around the globe over the internet using iChat and Skype yet countries and companies still put up barriers to stop you purchasing goods from other countries. I have always believed in one huge open market and protectionism sucks.